Chastening. Or, Loss I Dare Count as Gain

May 21st.

I borrowed my mom’s car to go to work this morning. My car is totalled and it’s taken me an agonizing eleven days to decide whether to repair it or search for a new one. (Currently now searching.)

I’ve been sick since April 6th, having relapsed twice and probably caught something that makes you cough for weeks. I’m leaving the country for the summer in less than three weeks. Yet another special hen has died. (Chickens have such short life spans! 😥 ) My room is a perfect mess, and work and obligations keep me from being able to rest, think and make decisions.

I’ve never handled stress or decision-making well, and amidst all of this I feel like God is putting the pressure on me, to temper me to be able to bear stress. I’m sure it’s a blessing in disguise, but it sure is hard to go through. I’m tired of being sick and stressed. I can summon energy to get through whatever I need to do and feel alright, but as soon as I can rest I feel worse. I’m breaking down and crying every two days or so. God feels distant, and I don’t know how to draw near to him. When I read Scripture my mind wanders; when I pray I complain until I feel worse than ever. My friends have been supportive, and I feel loved to have had two friends drive 2+ hours to visit me. Yet I still feel my outlook on life turning inwards, becoming pessimistic and plaintive. “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me! Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation, and uphold me with thy free spirit!” (Ps. 51:12)

This morning when I borrowed my mom’s car, she had left the radio on at a station that played hymns. After listening awhile, I began to sing along, and the words such as these brought me to tears:

“All the way my savior leads me,/ What have I to ask beside?/Can I doubt his tender mercy/who through life has been my guide?…All the way my Savior leads me/ cheers each winding path I tread,

gives me grace for every trial/ feeds me with the living bread.
Though my weary steps may falter/ and my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me/ Lo! a spring of joy I see!…
For I know, whate’er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well.”

and

“Because He lives, I can face tomorrow… Because I know He holds the future,
and life is worth the living, just because He lives.”

Why is it so easy to forget? The reminder, through music, of the promises and hope I have in the love and faithfulness of God amidst these stresses reached deeper into my soul than anything else has been able to penetrate. Why don’t we sing these rich, poetic hymns anymore? I need them. I need them to remember these deep truths by. They help me shift my perspective. They make me dare to hope that all this will be worth it–that the losses might count toward eternity if I yield them to God, who does all things well. I vaguely thought of Hebrews 12:5, and the more I look at it, the more it sums up everything I’ve been going through.

“And you have forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons: “My son, do not take lightly the discipline of the Lord, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you., for whom the Lord loves he chastens…’ Furthermore, we have all had earthly fathers who disciplined us, and we respected them. Should we not much more submit to the Father of our spirits and live? Our fathers disciplined us for a short time as they thought best, but God disciplines us for our good, so that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields a peaceful harvest of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Heb 12:5-6, 9-11)

I do believe this is His chastening. I need to submit with meekness and stop complaining and griping…especially toward my family. Oh, That I would take it to heart, and not just move on with life in the same old habits! When I think of it this way I feel a small chill and am glad it was just a car I lost.       

The choir program I play for just had their spring concert. The theme was about dreams. Now, it got me thinking, and I have quite a collection of buried dreams I should probably dust off. But I remembered a literal dream I had years ago, where I fell into the lake where King Arthur acquires Excalibur. I kept sinking, and fighting it, trying to swim for the surface. But I was too far under. In my dream it made sense to use my last bit of strength to dive for the bottom of the lake–and I found I could breathe there; and I could see mermaid cities. It was a wondrous dream. I very much enjoyed it.

After the turbulent event today of saying goodbye to my first car, which I drove for almost exactly three years, and remembering Whom I put my hope in, I feel like all the weight of the last month and a half has been pressing me down, down, down, and it finally became too much to bear, and I finally stopped struggling upwards (towards happy, comfortable feelings) and dove to the bottom (where I faced the problems). And I found I can breathe.

“For I know, whate’er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well.”

Goodbye, car.